Saturday, April 30, 2011

on prom (or 'not winning')

Well, today is the day. "The" day, if you are a junior or senior in our town. Today is Prom. Our 16 year old has been prepping and stressing and planning and worrying about this day for a few months now. Things were much simpler if you attended Prom in the 80s...buy a poofy dress, get some dyed shoes, make your hair really big, put your wrist corsage on...and go! Now, there are designer dresses, alterations, a hair stylist, flip-flops on your feet, and wires that wrap around your arm and hold flowers. Quite a different experience.

As we have spent all this time preparing for Prom, it has been a challenge working around Mas for the festivities. Here are some of the mantras repeated the past week: "Keep Mas away from the dress", "Keep Mas out of the shoes", "What are we going to do with Mas while we're taking pictures?", "What are we going to do with Mas while we are at Grand March?", "What if he drools on someone's dress?" And the list goes on...and on, and on, and on....

It's funny that while we are doing what any "normal" red-blooded American family would do during Prom week, we are also saddled with immense work and worry over a young man who never asked to be a part of Prom. He just wants things to be like normal. Or, should I say, "normal". As his school break also happens to be this past week, things have been amped up and running at 100 mph for quite some time now.

I have to admit, while I don't think a little drool or a little noise at Grand March are anything to freak out about, I DO wonder what it would be like to, say, clean the house and have it stay clean for more than 20 minutes. Or, do the fun, girly-Prom-prep things without worrying about a babysitter. Or, what it would be like to stay up late tonight to see the kids off to the after-Prom party without shortening my night's slumber. (Because Mas will wake up at the same time tomorrow, regardless...after all, he didn't go to Prom!)

Things are getting tougher and tougher here at the ol' hacienda as far as maneuvering around the needs and demands of 13 year old special needs boy. Between the onslaught of diapers, the screaming fits for a plethura of unknown reasons, the spitting, the messes, etc., I now realize that the thing that will decide his fate is....me. His caregiver. I see now that I am going to tire long before I want to.

It's odd to think that people were just celebrating God and Easter and all things holy, when I was wondering what type of deity would give a child to a family, knowing that family would not be able to care for him. It seems like the cruelest of cosmic jokes. I used to try, very hard, to find God in all of this, and yet, it gets harder and harder by the day. I know there are things we are thankful for, and even more things we should be thankful for, but it is hard to gloss over the fact that we are stuck in a no-win situation here. As a person, I have given all to raise this child. As a family, we have given more. As a child stuck in a small teenager-y body, he deserves it all, but as far as what should be expected from people on a daily basis, we are maxed-out.

I keep hoping we will see a sign that we are actually doing things right or that things will start to look up. Or that we are supposed to be keeping him at home and trying to get through this. I don't know if we are right or we are wrong. I just don't know. I do know, though, that we are all weary, both in body and in spirit. If there is a Master in charge of all this, I hope he sees fit to give us some sort of sign that we are doing what we are supposed to do.

2 comments:

Mandy said...

i stumbled upon your blog randomly and read back several entires - why? i don't even know... possibly compassion and the fact that everyone (including myself) likes to be "heard" every now and then... I do have deep love for my son, as I see you do as well. And though in no way can I fully relate to your situation, I understand you - your weariness, stress, tough decisions, unanswerable questions... In saying this, I fully believe God has a plan for our lives, even though we won't ever understand why some things happen the way they do... And if you truly seek God, abiding in faithfulness & trust - He will guide you. It may not be as clear as "writing on the wall" but listen to that voice within - the holy spirit, your inner quiet self... I believe and pray that God will give you & your family peace...

This is very out of character for me to one, read starngers blogs, and 2 to post a comment on them. I don't see myself as a holy roller or bible beater - and i agrees with the post about people living life as they claim to be!! But I happen to go to church this morning and the scripture discussed was 1 Cor 10:13 about "God not giving us more than we can handle" - i'm sure you've been quoted it before. Which I agree with to an extent - We as humans don't have the ability, but with Jesus - he can help us manage anything... (so i just want to say how crazy this is again.... i goggled to just make sure that was the correct verse and this link was the first one I cheacked... going along with exactly what I am saying... i dunno, you can take it for what its worth but check out http://christianmind.blogspot.com/2005/08/god-wont-give-you-more-than-you-can.html)

What I was trying to say is that, keep seeking and trusting in God to find your answer; your peace. It may not be what you want it to be, or possibly what you think the answer Will be... but please dont give up on God.

stephunkanie said...

I believe in you. Keep going. A mother's love conquers all.
I have a younger brother with autism and it has always been a struggle. Things got even worse when my father passed away 5 years ago, when my brother was only 15. He has seen more than his share of terrible things and had to process it, but at a child's level in a world where society expects him to be a young man.
There has to be a way that it will get better. That's how life goes? There's ups and downs. Enjoy the moments where you can smile and laugh and say "Thank you for this moment." Say thank you to God, or Allah, or anyone you like. Just say thank you.
In the words of my sister, giving me a pep-talk about life recently...
"Que sera, sera... whatever will be, will be... the future's not ours to see... que sera, sera, sera."