Tuesday, June 23, 2009

chocolate birthday


Here's to great friends:  here's to turning 40 amidst pizza, french fries, a hilarious shirt, a painstakingly-crafted lollipop display, and a multitude of chocolate....(not to being in the middle of a divorce, for one night.)  It was a miserable day as far as being without my best friend, but it was wonderful to spend the day with my mom, and to spend the evening with my friends.  If this is what 40 is all about, I'll take it!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

flowering season






And now for the colorful members of my gardens....the lupine, clematis, peonies, and the red, white and blue crock from the front yard.  All of this humidity hasn't hurt them one bit...and this rain will be just what they need to move forward in their growth.  (insert obvious corollary here...)

growing season






Things are beginning to green up around here.  It seems the extreme neglect that my garden has suffered through has not been enough to kill it.  It's a bit weedy, but thanks to watering with a timer and occasionally finding the time to pull an errant weed or two, the tomatoes, garlic, onions, cilantro, carrots, zucchini, summer squash, beans, lettuce, and peppers are all growing.  The peppers, which were started from seed, are only about 1 1/2 inches tall so far, but I am hopeful the heat will bring them up and out of their cozy home within the coffee cans.  My moonflowers and hollyhocks are also making their appearances; with buds formed on the hollyhocks.  Now, all we need is a soaking rain and some heat, and we may be in business.  Ahhh, speaking of rain....it just started to rain.  Thank you, God!  

Monday, June 15, 2009

bored

Took the kids to the mall yesterday; isn't that what you're supposed to do when your world is crumbling?  Walk around and look at stuff you don't want and can't afford?  Anyway, Riley went off with her friend to a store, and I took Mason into a gift store, with cards, gifts, etc.  I was trolling through all of the collectibles, and Mas stopped and grabbed his Palmtop.  He pushed, "I'm", then scrolled through a page and pushed, "Bored."  I said, "You're what?!"  He pushed, "Bored."  !!!  I was shocked; didn't even realize he knew what that word meant, but I guess he does!  I also had to laugh, that he is just as normal as any other 11 year old boy in that respect; wants nothing to do with looking at collectible stuff.  What a riot!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

life construction

I was thinking today about Oprah interviewing Elizabeth Edwards following her husband's affair with "what's her name."  (Believe you me; long after Elizabeth is passed on, we will still be saying that the other woman was "what's her name...." we will only remember Elizabeth.)  She was talking about (very eloquently, I might add) how women work so hard to build a life with their husbands, sacrificing along the way to improve the home, family, etc., and then the "Other Woman" just decides she is going to swoop in and take over.  Elizabeth said something to the effect of, "Go build your own life!"  I thought that was pretty good advice, and also showed what an amazing woman Elizabeth was.  There's a lot to be said about building your life with your husband and then having the rug pulled out from under you...I was thinking today, I am about to turn 40, have spent almost 20 years with this man, and this is it?  It's incredible to me...all this hard work, with nothing to show for it.  What makes a person decide his entire life with his wife, and his family, are suddenly worth nothing?  I don't know.  I guess the OW ("other woman" in divorce forum lingo; I've learned a whole new language the past two weeks...) must be way more enticing and incredible than us boring wives.  Who knew I was supposed to be ignoring my kids and focusing only on my selfish needs all these years?  Apparently, men find that attractive in the OW.  Myself, I plan on continuing to focus on my kids and building a life for them where security is now present.  The only rugs that I will pull out will be when it's laundry day.  Two things I know for sure today:  I'll never wear a ring on my left finger ever again, and, I will never understand how a wife, children, home, and life are worth less than a girlfriend.  Call me crazy.  I feel very stereotypical...like I'll "never be whole again."  I suppose that's what everyone says at this point, but it's true.  I guess we can only do what has to be done, and let the rest of it fall where it may.  In the meantime, I'm going to go back to building my life.  

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

it's a new day

Well, we're still here...still alive and kickin'....just trying to create our "new normal."  I'm not sure exactly what that will look like, yet, but I know it has to be done and I am staying focused on the task.  

Decided it was safest to start with "new" music today while out mowing...didn't want to go to my usual "go-to's" at a time like this.  I grabbed a Michael Buble cd off the iTunes store...was very impressed!  He definitely possesses a serious gift there.  Was nice to listen to trumpets wail and trombones sing, too.  The only problem was when he was singing the standards....made me think of Frank singing the standards with his hot band.  I decided I am just not strong enough yet for Frank.  That's all there is to it.

I am again reminded of what a gift friendship is; what a true treasure it is to have people around you that will listen and give (or not give) opinions.  I think I have been taking my friends for granted now for awhile.  That's one nice thing about this; hopefully I will rekindle some friendships and remember to lean on my friends when I need it.

Also wishing we didn't have to go through this...any of us.  Still worried about the ex-husband to be and how he is doing.  I guess emotions don't turn off like a faucet.  Well, at least for some of us, they don't.  Here's hoping he is able to eventually enjoy the freedom he so desired.

And here's hoping for a day where I feel strong enough to listen to Frank.  For now, there's Michael...


Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sum it up....

I could wax poetic, (or unpoetically) and go into great detail about this week, or I could sum it up with this:

When my husband moved his stuff out of our home into his rental house this week, his brother came up to help.  What did the brother's shirt say?  "CHEATERS LIVE LONGER."

Yeah, how's that for a swift kick to the left ventricle?  

Thursday, June 4, 2009

the d words

I have decided divorce is pretty damn close to a death.  Feels the same, smells the same, looks the same.  Five days into this, I can only say that I will never go through this again, because I will never marry again.  It has been the most excruciating week of my life.  Argh.  People are offering up plenty of suggestions, but it's my own mind that I need to listen to now.  The future was hard enough to consider while I was married, but it's even scarier to know I'll be raising a special needs son and a teenage daughter in the future, who will be spending the majority of their time with me.  I have decided that infidelity has to be one of the worst marriage stressors to go through.  I wonder why women treat each other like this?  I am hopeful that karma makes it so that every woman who sleeps with a married man ends up being cheated on.  That would be a nice circular punishment, don't you think?

Monday, June 1, 2009

the big D

Going through the unthinkable at the moment...the Big D word....divorce.  Although there have been close calls in the past, (and one very close call 2 1/2 years ago) I always thought we were made of tougher stuff than that.  I have discovered one person can't fix a marriage, and one person can't make another one love them, and one person can't make another be faithful...I guess it's true what they say:  Love is Blind.  (And deaf, and dumb, and stupid...the list goes on.)  Not even sure where to turn to as far as raising the kids in this situation...my mom is here being "me" so I can slowly unravel.  I know happiness is worth anything, but it's hard to see that here from the bottom of this pit.  Argh.  Not an easy time for someone who hates change and worries about everything anyway.  And to think, last week it was all about camping!  This week, a whole different set of circumstances.  I am so upset, I can't even listen to music.  That is saying something.